The following post is written to clarify the meaning when a certain post receives the phrase “reports from the sleeve” next to its title.
On the fourth of January 2024, I took the last quarter of the anti-depressant pill (SSRI) that I had been taking for at least 13 years. This day came after almost a year in which I systematically and gradually reduced the dose I was taking.
My partner and I noted this day in the calendar as a day of celebration, nothing prepared us for what I was to meet later, a period of terror that the written word could not describe…
Since words are a rescue tool for me, (and at the same time a broken reed support), I probably won’t stop trying to give words to this period. For myself and for others.
“Myself”, “others”, I’m less fund to use language to create separations… but words have their own rules and separations… are most of the times an inevitable part of them.
I can’t help but try to give words to this period for myself – to alleviate the loneliness involved in this unbearable experience. Because as long as it remains between the four walls of the human consciousness, it is very lonely. And this loneliness, like any other loneliness, fades a little when one manages to delve into the experience that is happening inside the consciousness of some “other”.
I can’t help but try to give it words for others – for anyone who will go through or is going through this process of coming off antidepressants. Who like me knows how to strengthen the feelings and know that others face the same, that it’s not all in my head, that I’m not crazy, etc.
As mentioned, the nightmare did not begin immediately when I stopped the use, but about two months later, like a tsunami wave that first sweeps the water back and only after a few moments of delay rushes forward and hits with all its force.
This call this period, whose opening shot was in January but began about two months later in March, “the sleeve period”.
Why the “sleeve period”?
Because of a post that was written on one of the days of the period and faithfully describes the general feeling I had throughout (the post can be found on the blog and is called “Raincoat Sleeve“)
During the sleeve period, I came to understand many things; About myself, about antidepressants, about the world, and among them the following six:
1) There is almost no information on the web that is supported by empirical studies regarding getting off antidepressants.
2) The reason this information is lacking, is that it does not exist. It does not exist because no comprehensive, organized studies have been conducted on the subject, they have not been conducted because no one has an interest in funding studies to support people to get off AD, for it is much more profitable (and not just for the pharmaceutical industry), to govern a population that depends on AD to function.
3) Few people managed to actually get off AD (and many people tried and returned to use)
4) The doctors who prescribe the anti-depressants to the patient with frightening ease do not them what they might face “the day after”. There are many reasons why this information isn’t being disclosed, but the main reason is the lack of knowledge ( described in point number 1)
5) Most of the time, there is no follow-up by the medical institution after the patient, and so it turns out that many of those taking AD continue to take it for many years and unknowingly dig the hole they will after trying to get out of.
6) Even though I thought I got off the AD gradually, as the common instructions say, I was greatly mistaken. I recommend to anyone who wants to understand why I was greatly mistaken to watch the following video by Dr. Mark Horowitz, it is a ‘must’ video for anyone who is considering or has already begun the process of getting off antidepressants (or any other psychiatric pill)
Publishing these posts, with the sentence “writings from the sleeve” next to them is not easy for me since it involves revealing moments that I would rather uproot from my memory and certainly not let them enter the consciousness of others. Nevertheless, I chose to publish them and that is mainly in order to address 2 segments of people that might be interested in them:
– People who are in the process of stopping their use of AD – I hope these posts will allow them the comfort one gets when one acknowledges his experience is shared by others.
– People who are close to people who are trying to get off AD- hoping that these posts will make it a bit easier for them to understand what their loved ones are going through. And here lies an important point- the nightmare involved in getting off antidepressants is not only for the person trying to get off them, but also for those close to him.
Unfortunately, currently (August 2024) I still can’t testify from my personal experience and say – “It will pass. It’s hard but in the end it passes.”
Happily, I can testify from my personal experience and say – it is getting better. A testimony that until a month ago I could not give, so I cherish it and hope that the reader can also find comfort in it.
In March I was put into the sleeve and did not see the light of day until July. I call this period of four months “the sleeve period”. Since I came out of the sleeve, the existential experience is much more tolerable, (mainly because it is simply unbearable when I am inside the sleeve).
After four intense months of living in it, there was a change in the intensity of the experience and breaks from it began to exist. These breaks are getting longer and longer. But between them, there are still sleeves periods.
(I will refer to what in my opinion led to the exit from the sleeve later in a separate post)
