On the day I’ll get rid of this existence, and you’ll hear the news, I ask , at least for my sake, you will rejoice with great joy.
You may shed a tear for your own sake, but I urge you not to do so with any deliberate intention, only if it came and just flowed through your eyes.
If your heart found joy in the presence of my existence in its world, it is natural for it to host sorrow as an outcome of my absence, but know, that in essence, you have nothing to be sorry for, because in a way I have been already gone for a long time.
I am not as the world perceives existence. In a way I may have already died a long ago, and only now has the news come out.
What is life if not a constant and involuntary aspiration for something that doesn’t really matter what, an aspiration that constantly pulls one’s energy and never gives rest? This involuntary and constant aspiration changes its outfits every day and every second for in its root lies a terrible fear of being left naked.
It’s been a while since I last opened her costume closet, and what can I tell you, when she’s naked she’s heavy…The outfits refine the inner pull that lies inside, without them it is simply an ambition that revolves around itself. An unceasing life force, like an engine that has been separated from the vehicle and continues to rattle because this is the very essence of its existence – rattling.
All my life I longed. And the longings changed like the seasons; Success, love, self-fulfilment…etc. Now suddenly everything seems like an empty shell. In one moment, the sting was taken away from all the desires I knew.
This one moment, when it happened, carries, like the first eating from the tree of knowledge, a blessing, and a curse; A blessing, because it is pure freedom – not to be captive under the concept that my happiness depends on the fulfillment of all those desires and a curse because when one doesn’t want anything, one start to hear the whisper of the spirit that is at the base of all desires.
‘Wanting’ is such a natural experience for us humans, almost as natural as our breathing, but unlike breathing, which is forced upon us at every moment, all other desires were acquired through a long, ancient, sophisticated process. So sophisticated that only rarely does anyone doubt these desires and seek their source.
It’s not that my life is a continuous suffering, far from it. Joy comes occasionally and when it does it breaks over me with all its might like a wave of the sea breaking on the wharf, washes me all over in a second, and plants inside me the strength I’ll need for the days of darkness that are to come, alongside with the confirmation it carries for the path I walk soullessly in the dark.
It’s worth everything, that joy that simply sprouts from within itself like a well that springs from the bowels of the earth.
But when that joy is gone, that well isn’t going anywhere, it’s still there, carved in the same place in the soil of my existence, only this time it’s empty and hollow, just a deep pit that doesn’t end in the bowels of the earth.
So on the day I’ll get rid of this existence if you carry any love for me in your hearts, you will be happy because you will know that I got rid of this whole event, that I got rid of a heavy burden and now only that spark that was and is always watching over it all; from the hollow pit that reaches the belly of the earth to the waves of joy that emanate from that pit itself, that spark alone will continue.
‘I’ won’t be there to watch it, but maybe that doesn’t matter, because maybe ‘I’ never was anyway.
